Lessons in the Art of Asking
an experiment in vulnerability, freedom, and human connection
In her 2013 TedTalk, The Art of Asking, Amanda Palmer advocates vulnerability and trusting people…trusting life itself. As a performance artist, her practice of vulnerability began with collecting spare change on street corners, dressed as an Eight Foot Bride. While some passers-by did not appreciate the value of her career choice, she experienced countless small but profound exchanges with strangers. It turns out she was practicing the lost art of asking and receiving.
Asking makes us vulnerable. Most of us feel (and fear) the truth of this. Personally, I have expended a great deal of energy avoiding that particular vulnerability. While I have always relished the ability to help others, I’ve often perceived my own need for help as a flaw, an uncomfortable vulnerability. As a good citizen of our bootstrap society, “No, thanks, I can manage” has been a badge of honor pinned to my chest, pinching my heart and preventing the very depth of connection I crave.
Nearly a year ago that changed. I’d been chafing at the trappings of modernity and longing for a level of connection that my heart knew was possible, but my lifestyle didn’t invite. My long-ago dream of living in intentional community returned, but my domestic partnership and contractual agreements made that dream seem out of reach.
I need more freedom, I thought, so I can respond to opportunities as they come my way. This longing for greater freedom inspired me to simplify my life: put my belongings in storage, shift my agreements, and let life guide me to the next step.
This wasn’t a change I made lightly, yet I did not imagine the magnitude of my choice. The decision to “simplify my life” would radically alter my trajectory, shift my perception of freedom, and completely change my relationship with giving and receiving. I would learn to practice the art of asking and receiving, and trust a life to show me the way. But, in the beginning, this was another do-it-myself job.
I imagined my experiment in freedom might include opportunities to house-sit or visit friends, but it was my plan to rely on Airbnb for the majority of my sojourn. However long the adventure might last, I planned to pay my own way.
Then I watched Amanda Palmer’s TedTalk. Her story of couch surfing and crowd surfing—falling into the arms of strangers—effected me deeply. Her inspiration, paired with a decline in revenue, urged me to recognize that this experiment was not about “going it alone.” I had no idea who or what would catch me, but I needed to fall. With each move toward the precipice, the next one became clear:
Share my longing with my partner and begin changing the many agreements that created our shared abode.
Request help from friends and acquaintances to secure places to stay over the course of the next two or three months.
Witness fear, confusion, and pity in the eyes of some, as I describe my experiment in vulnerability and trust.
Witness what arises in me as people respond and don’t respond to my request.
Wait to see what opportunities present themselves.
Respond to those opportunities.
The experiment has unfolded in ways I didn’t imagine. I thought it might last two or three months, yet I’m now in month five. So far, I’ve slept in 13 different beds and have become adept at making new places feel like home. While the change and uncertainty have definitely stirred up emotional turbulence, my predominate experience is nothing short of magical.
I am consistently humbled by countless acts of generosity. I’ve been welcomed, sight unseen, into the homes of strangers. Friendships old and new have been nourished by the gift of giving and receiving. It turns out that acts of receiving are also acts of giving. That mind-blowing insight is worthy of a post of its own.
Although my experiment is not yet complete, I have a wealth of direct experience that what Amanda Palmer says is true: “When we really see each other, we want to help each other.”
Five months into my experiment, I can say a few things with confidence:
I have never felt more free in my life.
As it turns out, a primary characteristic of freedom is feeling immensely interconnected to and reliant upon other people and the entire Web of Life!Freedom is marked by vulnerability.
Vulnerability inspires connection.
Connection creates magic.
Explore with me through Creative Catalyst or The Gladstone Creative Community Lab, a community supported project to artfully co-create a New Earth culture.